“It always will, everyday, for the rest of my days.”
If you read my blog then you know how I feel about certain things. If you read my blog at all, I’m surprised, but there are some who do. Sadly, I’m losing any interest at all in releasing music to the internet. Oh I remember the days when it was a thrill to do it but things change, people change and we move forward. That build up of adrenaline when about to release an album and boom, it’s done, and it’s not as amazing as you had hoped. Perhaps it comes from that, the build up and the hope of something big. Over the years I’ve watched the changes in fan response and new comers who listen. I’m happier when someone is touched by the music then just clicks like. Likes to me as like those sticky faces we all had when I was a teen during the 90s. Oh great! a sticky that some wandering girl in the hallway would put on your books when passing by from my high school days, that kind of thing. Who wants sticky’s on everything?
My point is, for me the internet in releasing music is no longer fun and I have built up reasons for this. It’s a lackluster and I’m putting myself further in the back of the room with each release. By the time I pull myself completely from any public scene, I’ll be doing it alone in the dark like years before the internet exploded. I’m sure by that time I’ll have some who are fans looking for the music by simply going there to find it. With that, I’m not even certain if my music will still be here. I might delete my bandcamp, soundcloud and go away, or bandcamp might close down. Anything is possible. I might sound negative in this, but the thrill is gone, really, it’s toast in my mind. I feel like I’m committing persona death, but I’m okay with it. I want to do less and be seen even less. My life is peaceful since I’ve left the scene and maybe that is for the best. There are too many of us doing the same thing. Too many artists, too many musicians. Wasn’t it better to get away from all the musicians and be your own person. The more I think about it, the more I realize it’s true. We’ve crushed each other to death with our posts and releases. General burn out for me actually.
We’re all just another user in the world of a big matrix, moving about, billions of us. I want to make music again and love doing it. I’m not sure where it will go from here. Thing is, I release my music and feel a void when doing it. This can’t be good, but it’s been building up that way for years. When I release a single I feel good for a while, usually a week at most then the energy dies down. Lack of finding people who really want to hear it, maybe loss of any kind of professional career in the field of music or simply people not giving much of a care to listen. I’ve grown quite cynical also and that’s a big reason. All in all, I can’t help where it’s taking me other than go with the flow and let go eventually. I’ll do anything to feel like an individual instead of another user in this big world of social media.
With the way things are going these days, surveillance and political correctness, it’s no wonder I feel this way. Facebook for one has become the digital police and twitter have become the political correctness police. It’s all tied to one thing, controlling your every word. I don’t feel like I’m in a safe environment, full of ads and commercialized info that targets you. That gut feeling you get when you know you’re in the wrong place. It’s all changing so fast and you are the target instead of the user. Your info is sold to 3rd parties or given away, and friends are no longer friends but clicks and likes. It’s a fake world full of fake people and fake profiles. At one time I loved twitter but that was long ago.
The digital landscape we call social media has changed, and it started about 2 years ago. I’m afraid one day I’ll have to pull anchor and sail away from it all, it feels like you’re being watched. What you say and what you do is noticed more. More than anything it’s become a world of materialism and garbage in, garbage out. Sadly, that’s where its headed, where the friend becomes the like and heart instead of a heartfelt conversion. All it will take is the right event for me to leave it alone, and that’s that, I’ll be hard to find and I’m glad for that. Finding true friends there isn’t possible like it once was. A lot of people have left social media for this very reason and I knew one day I would too. Not because of the people but because the world is changing into something that I don’t feel comfortable to be around. Where will I go? Away, hopefully somewhere warm and fuzzy. Even to the point of deleting myself completely from facebook and twitter and who knows how long it will take for me to decide that fate or is that a blessing?
Until next time
I use to enjoy being part of a community of other experimental musicians. It was fun for a good while, but something happened. I’m finding myself drifting back to the days when I first began to upload my music to the net in 2010. I see other labels popping up and newer internet radios but I can’t find myself being part of it. I want to release music for its own sake, my memoirs so to speak. I find no thrill in posting to different groups on facebook, where it draws dust and then the dust settles and few if any listen. It was good when people were in small groups and people listened to music together. Everything is a group now online and the shine and excitement has left me. Sure I sound ho-hum the way I’m speaking, but I’m a realist and when something stops working, I move on.
I find joy in releasing my music alone, on bandcamp where it might find a few listeners. . If I can find joy in doing a thing alone, then I’ll do that alone very well. When I made videos I put my entire heart into them and they moved me. I want to get back to that again. I tried my best to form an organization for electronic musicians but it took too much of my free time and thus burned me out. I learned how to read people and learned who was sincere during that time. It’s not hard to read people when they want something, eros – Greek for love with a hook. There were times where I enjoyed collab with a few, but I’ve enjoyed solo with myself. It’s a strange life to some but musically I find joy it. There was one who I clicked with musically but that’s another story, only one mind you.
If you can find peace in doing things alone, do it I say, it’s your solace and quiet place. The place I draw from is my cone of silence and the more alone I am, it seems the more in tune the music is with my feelings in that moment. Trust has also been on my mind as I don’t trust people like I use to. I trust them until they prove distrust but now I’m more careful as “should I trust at all?” That goes with working with others musically, friendship or other. Trusting people has become an issue these days as it’s hard to find people who don’t abuse that trust in us. It’s good to get back to working on music again, as I’ve had a bit of break. Some greater ideas will be uploaded to the wall of music; or my Bandcamp. I don’t feel as excited as I once did when releasing music to the public. It’s like something is fading so I take all the joy I can and create what makes me feel good, even by my inspirations.
What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing new under the sun. Ecclesiastes 1:9
It all takes me back thinking about the past and how this music got started. I was alone, in a dark apt with my old Packard Bell 75 MHZ computer and computer software. I started on tracker programs and made many hours of music with that computer. It’s time to tell the story, dark foreboding or unique, heavy beats and EBM revisiting. Showing music the way I create it, not the way It should be made. I didn’t learn how to make electronic music from tutorials, but felt my way through the experience. CRT is that story, not just a story but a journey of 17 years of doing electronic music.
The progressions over the years have gone from the minimal to the extreme. CRT will be another 3 letter wording that means more to my music process. The journey backwards and coming back to my roots instead of continuing where I am now. It will be an album that has gathered information over the years, from album to album and single to single. The constant flux of ideas and now placing myself back in that apt again. I’ll be using the very software I was during those days. Fasttracker II, a DOS program that is still used even this day by some musicians, will be my only tool. There is something about that old interpolation sound that runs deep in the 16 BIT realm of music making. A process that I’m not sure where it will take me, and in that process I’ll have some songs that were never released during those times of using tracker software.
I could always use Renoise but I want to re-experience the memory of what it felt like to make electronic music for the first time. I released a few years ago an album called Millennium Rewind, and it has many of those first songs from 1998 – 2000. It is quite fitting to do this and I’ve been searching for weeks on where to go next. This is the door that I’m opening and willing to take to find myself again musically. More on that later.
pasted from my other music blog:
Watching this world turn into what it has become is heart wrenching as well as frightening. I need only look at YouTube or Twitter to discover how things have changed greatly. The next horrible event, terror attack, or endless evil that has befallen on us. If you aren’t subject directly to these things, count yourself blessed. I long for a time, as during the 90s when we didn’t have to worry about such things. These things weren’t on the minds of souls that dwell here on the Earth. No… Music and life was on our minds during those days.
Not a care in the world other than if you were a teen at that time like myself. It was music and friends and family. But when I reached adulthood and found myself staring into my own soul and questioning “am I right to follow the life I’m living without God fully?” It happened during 9/11, or on the day when I heard this, I was awakened and heard a voice inside of me, “This is the beginning of the End.” My thoughts all went cold. I wept off and on for 3 days after watching the event on tv and reading about it. My wife at the time didn’t understand this, and that didn’t matter to me. The darkness in this world continues to fill up every walk of life and I wonder why.
Of course, it is written why, but still the human mind can only take so much, it’s just too much. I find peace and solace in my family, thankfully I have them. But to see this world we all grew up in come to this is appalling time is horrible. This is an emptying of my hearts feelings as lately I’ve been endowed with dread seeing it all unfold before my very eyes. I remember what it felt like the day before 9/11, nothing bothered us, we didn’t have conflict, we didn’t have fear in these United States, but we weren’t ready for what was coming. The fear continued and the time was drawing nearer to where we are today. Government became the nightmare I had envisioned long before that day. Seeing the visions that had been placed in me years before and then come to light was terrifying. I write about these things because I must get them out and confront them. My heart cries for the things we no longer have. Our freedoms are dwindling daily, innocence is being taken from our children and the list goes on and on. Imagine if you had been through it, I didn’t, thank the Lord… If you had been in those buildings that fell, or part of a family who’s loved ones died that day. That event scarred our hearts those who remember it.
The state of being we are in now is because of that day. I knew deep itself of me that it would end up like this. It’s worse than I envisioned but I am thankful everyday that I’m safe and do not live in places where the chaos is happening. This world is becoming a nightmare, we are living in an unfolding dystopian nightmare. The news keeps us on edge now, and it’s bad news everyday just like in the song Mrs. American Pie. “Bad news on the doorstep, don’t want to take one more step.” I am weary and terrified of the things that I see coming upon this world and they were indeed foretold. I miss innocence and kindness and love in our fellow man. People weren’t questioned for their words and Political correctness wasn’t an issue in collages and schools. Any bit of peace left in this world I find and love, and appreciate, because even that, one day will be gone from us. We are on a downward spiral and it makes the heart want to fail. Holding and clinging to what we have left is all I can do but I have peace from above, thanks to God. Troubles came to our world because it was written long ago. It hurts to see it like this, and it’s painful to watch life itself come apart. Some probably kill themselves for the terrible atrocities that are happening now on a daily basis. It’s good to get this out, it’s been on my mind for years. I can no longer watch the news as I feel it is force feeding me more of the nightmare, it eventually drives one insane.